What defines me.. like… really, really defines me?
We are not talking about what I did and did not do? The output of something very deep that has to pass by all these layers of human-induced fears and animal-based biology ? If I had to define that something that is very very deep, I would say what defines me are my super powers.
They define me like fuel defines a car. The car is everything that makes it work but is nothing without the fuel.
As I’m driving the car, I don’t really see the fuel so often. I understand that pure form of energy sometimes when I meditate and look to the night sky or when I hear songs that give me chills (like https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxabLA7UQ9k
That’s why I like so much this movie epic songs, they seem to give me super powers.
Those super-powers make me dream and define my values.
However, the car is a car not because of the fuel nor because of the pieces, it’s because of everything. So what defines me is also my hardware, my body and the food I eat or the air I breathe. And also the operating system, the emotions and traumas, the dreams and fears, I have.
These things don’t define me per se, they are just pieces that can be so easily replaced as they were put there in the first place. But in a way, they define me as well.
These things come from experiences I had and teachings I received and experiences and teaching I didn’t have. One of them has scared me a bit which was my sexual life. I didn’t have a sexual life that was in accordance with who I am, in the sense that it was really hard for me to expose me and show vulnerability in my 18’s, early 20’s. With social pressure or my own pressure, I started desperatly trying to find these sexual experiences only to stop being the virgin or inexperient guy. So, I ended up having terrible sexual relationships which never resulted in a true love relationship and I would fill that gap with porn, which recently I understood was an addiction.
I had my first girlfriend at 27, and so that’s why I was able to see how I was seeing these stuff in a completly wrong way.
Another thing that defines me in a way, and I say “in a way” because probably and hopefully in some years it will not define me (so much) is insecurity and the need for validation. I think that because of my very protective parents and my childhood/teenager years, where I was always considered the kid that would have a great future because of my grades, I started developing an idea of the world where I didn’t really have to fight against nothing and society would recognize me as great. I had good grades but it wasn’t any major sacrifice I did. And because I had them, I used them as a shield and an excuse for all the other parts of my life where I wasn’t great. I wouldn’t feel bad because I didn’t have a girlfriend or I wasn’t able to convince my parents to let me go somewhere, because I would refuge myself in the grades and the “good boy with a future” paradigm.
This happened for so long, since it wasn’t clear when I was faced against a world without that “protection”, because I would continue convinced that I would be “great” and have an “amazing future”. And I continued illuded in that imaginary future, while my present was taking a course I didn’t like, with people I didn’t like and doing things I didn’t like, for instance going to parties and getting wasted. And kept like that all the way through university and started working.
When I started working, something happened, because all of the sudden my excuse was starting dissolving, because there was no more “amazing future”. THAT WAS THE FUTURE AND I HATED IT!
When I was asked about a title for this text, I thought “I quit my job” because it was something that really mattered to me and defines me in so many ways.
Since I’ve quit my job I feel I started living. Like born again. Now, with a much better sense of my disabilities and traumas and fears and limitations, and with a much better sense of the present and the current diagnosis of myself. And so I’m growing.
What defines my story is a boy that grew up with special shoes that didn’t allow me to fall, and when the shoes stopped working he understood he was very weak because he never fell. Now, he walks barefoot.
What defines me is to see poetry and beauty in stuff and being free from restrains without injuring others and maybe helping them. Is to be fullish and silly so that the other person can feel that there’s nothing she can do that would make me judge her.
And I love trees and climbing trees.